The Right Kind of Turtles

    Being fond of pristine beaches, the people of Diphtheria staunchly defended their island from turtles for centuries. Though none of those who went abroad were impressed with foreign beaches, some returned with tales of nations that welcomed certain kinds of turtles which greatly enriched their cultures. When they suggested Diphtheria do the same, its naturally suspicious rulers were opposed to the idea, but after many long debates the two sides reached an agreement. Under the new Diphtherian laws, teenage mutant ninja turtles would still be forbidden entry, as ninjas were considered a threat to national security; but teenage mutant hero turtles were given strong incentives to live and work in Diphtheria.

    Most of the natives welcomed this change, but inevitably troubles arose. Conservative factions argued their country’s most sacred traditions had been betrayed and called for the turtles to be expelled. In response, more liberal groups said turtles did less harm than good, and the laws should be expanded to allow ninja turtles entry as well. Some reformers claimed such changes should be made because there was no discernible difference between hero and ninja turtles, but this angered smaller splinter groups. Some claimed that if there was no difference, both heroes and ninjas should not be allowed, while others said turtles had the right to take pride in either identity. Others again made the point that as heroes could also be ninjas and ninjas could also be heroes turtles should be allowed to identify themselves as both. More enterprising capitalists thought none of these distinctions mattered, and said more turtle immigration would prompt more economic growth; but environmentalists argued such growth would harm the legendary Diphtherian beaches, which already looked less pristine. Protectionists said too much attention was being paid to distinctions between heroes and ninjas, and new immigrants’ teenage, mutant and turtle credentials were not being properly checked; and one small group of bleeding hearts, who almost no-one listened to, complained these debates ignored the plight of deformed adolescent tortoise assassins who had no legal recognition.

    As these controversies raged Diphtherian law stayed the same. All citizens were monitored by eternally vigilant elves on shelves – a truly loathsome foreign import – and robotic reindeer made sure all turtles were socially acceptable heroes and not potentially dangerous ninjas. It is darkly rumoured that any turtles labelled ninjas mysteriously disappear, but how these robots know the difference is an even greater mystery.