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A Song of Blood and Thunder

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A little nonsense now and then

Is relished by the wisest men.

So gather round and hear this tale

Of blood and thunder, win and fail.

Samantha was pretty, Samantha was strong

Samantha was clever and knew right from wrong.

One night she was off to an underground rave

When Pillow and Pickle said “Goodness, you’re brave!

Horrible Ogbert is going there too

He has major issues with women like you!”

Samantha simply shrugged and said

“If that freak touches me he’s dead.”

She shouldered a popsicle long as an oar

And big as a boulder, locked the front door

Then climbed through the mountains, the mist and the snow

With a shivering Pillow and Pickle in tow.

Horrible Ogbert watched from his lair.

He had never beheld a Samantha so fair!

He summoned the Munt from its festering pen

Leapt onto its back and charged from his den.

As it floundered its way down the steep mountainside

Pillow and Pickle recoiled and cried

“It’s Horrible Ogbert! We’re finished! We’re through!

Have you any idea what he’s planning to do?

He’ll bind us to bedframes with whipcord and wire!

He’ll make us watch Twilight then set us on fire!”

Samantha, however, stood tall, strong and bold

“Now Pillow and Pickle, just do as you’re told!

If Ogbert wants to do his worst

He’s going to have to fight me first!”

Horrible Ogbert giggled and shrieked

His saddle grew damp as his haemorrhoids leaked.

He raised a bent fork to the rumbling sky

And screamed “Foolish raver! Get ready to die!”

But Ogbert could not scare Samantha.

She was strong as a lion and lithe as a panther.

As Ogbert came charging, all gruesome and grim

She readied her weapon and waited for him.

He stabbed with his fork, but it only met air

She was gone in a flash of beribboned blonde hair

She gave the foul Munt the most thunderous whack

It rolled down the mountain and stopped on its back.

Horrible Ogbert was pinned underneath

His trousers had split and he’d lost a few teeth.

Samantha approached him, as if for the kill

He cried out “Please spare me!” and she said, “I will.

But you’ve upset some friends of mine.

I’ll leave your fate to them, you swine.”

Pillow and Pickle heard this and drew near

Knowing by now they had nothing to fear

They told Ogbert jokes that weren’t funny at all

Till his sanity snapped and he started to bawl.

Since his crushing defeat he’s been doing quite well

In a coat without sleeves and a comfortable cell.

Our trio of heroes care not for his fate

For the underground venue turned out to be great.

So rise from your couches and venture outside!

Let your thirst for excitement and more be your guide!

And should some foul creature be planning you wrong

It won’t hurt to bring a Samantha along!

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